As a first note, the "Elizabethan English" is from the King James version which, while the most beautiful translation, is one of the least accurate translations. However, it's absolutely beautiful to listen to and as such is usually the most commonly recited.
I don't don't talk about my particular beliefs here, nor do I spend a lot of time talking about them in general. I don't feel "chosen by God" and I don't think I'm all that special and I certainly don't feel misled. I have spent many years and much study on my faith from the point of view of not believing it. I left Christianity in high school, became Wiccan, then Druidic, then Pagan, then Agnostic and finally in college I started studying the Bible as part of a history course (since whether you like it or not, Christianity has shaped history) and started thinking about it again and learning more about the more accurate translations away from a religious environment and it led me back to Christianity again. I don't feel like talking about it further.
I don't feel like describing God's influence in my life to someone like you. I don't really want to because you will question the hell out of it, demean it - and me - in the process and won't believe it. So why should I talk to you about it? What would the purpose accomplish? I would walk away insulted and upset and your point would be "reinforced" and you'd walk away feeling as though I was an idiot. No one would win that and no communication would happen. Does that make me a liar?
God didn't make me want to help people. God didn't make me be a good person. God didn't make me do anything, in fact. I chose to do these things on my own. My interactions with God aren't him "inspiring me" to do anything. Hell, he hasn't made me do anything at all. I have a lot of conviction that God is there, that he is real, and that's that. The guilt I feel when I act badly is my own, not Gods. My own feelings are mine, God doesn't make me feel any particular way.
As far as "what they really are" is that they're a group of people whose beliefs have changed their lives, in some cases for the better. Everyone needs to believe in something, whether it's religious, philosophical, nihilist, or whatever you want to say. But everyone needs to believe in something. It is what gives a life meaning. Whether you believe only in the unlimited human potential, or whether you believe that Cthulu is going to show up. I don't much care. But believing in something is by no means a bad thing.
I don't believe in God because of "miracles" or whatever. And my belief is none of your damn business so I won't explain why and how and the details of it for you to pull apart to rationalize.
Some Christians are jerks. Some are poor examples of Christianity. Some Christians are idiots.
And here am I, a very serious Christian, running a metaphysics site, believing in Tarot and astrology and projection and spirits and entities. I believe fully in all of that, I don't see anywhere in the Bible it says it's Satanic or evil and honestly I don't much care if the Bible says it is. The Bible was a book written by men. A damn good book, but a book written by men about 1,900 years ago based on principals and thoughts of the time. All of it isn't applicable to modern life. All of it isn't necessarily right.
But I'm Christian. And I am unafraid of that fact.
On an Admin note: it's not acceptable to bash any religion. Question it, sure, debate it, fine, but don't outright bash it.